by This morning I sat down with my coffee feeling kinda bored, so I decided to whip up some horoscope predictions for May 14th. Grabbed my dog-eared astrology book from 2012 and opened my weather app – figured if I mixed planetary movements with real-world pressure systems, it’d feel less like pure hocus-pocus.
The Legwork Stage
First I scribbled planetary positions in my notebook:
Sun in Taurus
Moon transitioning to Aquarius
Mercury still retrograde – obviously.
Got distracted watching squirrels fight outside for 20 minutes before remembering what I was doing.
The “Important News” Part
Started drafting predictions sign-by-sign. Got stuck on Scorpio because my neighbor’s a Scorpio who just got fired, so I wrote: “Career bomb drops but leads to better path”. For Gemini I recycled that “misplaced documents cause chaos” bit from last Tuesday’s draft – my Gemini friend keeps losing her car keys.
Editing Nightmare
Proofread the whole thing after lunch. Realized I’d written “Virgo will experience erotic breakthrough” when I meant “energetic” but honestly left it in because engagement metrics show sex sells horoscopes. My cat walked on the keyboard and added thirteen emojis to Leo’s section – kept those too.
Reactions Rolled In
Posted it with a stock eclipse photo. Three Taurus followers immediately messaged saying “omg how did you know about my secret travel plans?” while some Capricorn dude argued that Jupiter’s alignment couldn’t possibly affect stock markets. People either swallow this whole or hate-read it – either way they click.
Final tally: 2,300 views by dinner time. Seven people unsubscribed calling it “fake news”, but hey – the Leo who won lottery scratch-off after reading their “unexpected wealth” prediction donated $15. Bought pizza with it. Astrology pays in weird ways.
