Alright so my birthday’s coming up next week – June 21st, Cancer season baby right here. Figured why not write some birthday week advice for fellow Crabs? Grabbed my laptop around 10 AM, coffee cold already because let’s be real, I forgot it existed.
The Research Rabbit Hole
Cracked open like five astrology sites. One said “financial breakthroughs are coming!” another was like “watch your spending dumbass.” Typical. Scrolled so long my thumb hurt. Ended up with a messy doc full of contradictions:
- Old Moon vibes = time for emotional decluttering
- Mercury doing… something? Who knows. Avoid signing stuff maybe?
- Venus being sweet = good for love stuff, hug your people
Felt overwhelmed. Closed every tab except one stupid horoscope generator site that looked straight outta 2003. Punching in Cancer, June 21-27 dates. Spit out some generic “nurture yourself” crap. Useful.
The Writing Struggle
Tried sounding wise. Wrote:
“Dear Cancer, during your solar return, the celestial bodies align to…”
Deleted that junk immediately. Ain’t nobody talk like that. Switched to yelling at the screen instead:
“LOOK. Your birthday week. Saturn’s breathing down your neck – clean your damn house before you cry about feeling overwhelmed. Also, call your mom. Venus is being nice so maybe don’t pick fights with your partner over whose turn it is to take the trash out. Just do it.”
Felt more real. Added some practical garbage:
- Water sign = drink actual water. Not wine. Water.
- Feelings gonna feel heavy. Write ’em down or scream into a pillow.
- Birthday treat yo’self – but maybe not that $300 scented candle.
The Unexpected Disaster
Writing flow got wrecked when my neighbor started drilling into the wall. Sounded like a jackhammer in my skull. Packed up and fled to the library. Got halfway through proofreading when my phone blew up.
Turns out my kid’s school called – forgot about early dismissal. Sprint to the car, laptop bag whacking my leg. Kid’s waiting outside looking miserable. “You forgot me. Again.” Brutal. Birthday week advice feeling pretty ironic now.
Finally Hitting Publish
After homework battles and burnt pasta dinner, slumped back at the laptop around 9 PM. Dead tired. Glanced at the draft. Changed the whole intro:
“So you’re a Cancer. Your birthday week’s here. Planets are chaotic, your emotions are chaos, life is chaos. Here’s how to maybe not drown in it:”
Slapped in the bullet points, added a line about “be kind to past-you who survived another year,” and hit publish without overthinking. Immediately closed the laptop and ate cold pasta straight from the pan. Authentic advice requires authentic exhaustion, I guess.
There it is. My highly professional astrological process. Happy Solar Return or whatever.
