So today I was cleaning up my desk and found this horoscope app notification I saved weeks ago about January 22 love predictions. Honestly? I don’t even remember downloading this app. Figured since it’s exactly January 22 now, why not try those “quick happiness hacks” they promised. Nothing special planned anyway.
What the App Said vs. What I Actually Did
The horoscope thing told me:
- “Express your feelings openly!”
- “Reconnect with an old flame!”
- “Buy yourself something nice!”
First thought: Sounds like trash advice. But okay fine, let’s experiment. Started with the “express feelings” part. Called my sister and straight up told her I think her new haircut looks like a poodle. She hung up on me. Not the vibe. Texted my best friend saying I appreciate him. Got back “👍” and a meme. Meh.
Then that “old flame” nonsense. Scrolled through Facebook for like 20 minutes. Found my high school crush – dude’s married with three kids living in Idaho. Sent him a random “Hey remember me?” message at 10am. Got read receipt at 10:01. Still no reply. Radio silence. Big shocker there.
Where I Accidentally Found the Good Stuff
Getting frustrated, I went outside for coffee. Saw an old lady struggling with grocery bags. Carried them to her car. She gave me a lollipop and called me “young man” (I’m 37 lmao). Felt weirdly nice. Walking back, bumped into my neighbor walking his derpy golden retriever. Pet that goofy dog for 15 minutes while we talked about the terrible weather. Forgot all about the garbage app.
Later, blasted 2000s hip-hop playlists and danced while making spaghetti. Burnt the sauce. Didn’t care. Ate it anyway watching cat videos. Laughed so hard soda came out my nose.
No Crystal Balls Needed
So did any of that “January 22 cosmic love energy” do anything? Hell no. But helping that lady? Petting a happy dog? Dancing alone? Yeah. That stuff just works. Forget horoscopes. Walk your lazy butt outside. Notice actual humans. Do one tiny nice thing. Pet. All. The. Dogs.
Update 9pm: High school crush finally replied. Said “Who dis?”. My happiness experiment remains scientifically unharmed. Mission accomplished.
